More and more couples today are sharing the cost of weddings. Let’s face it, many of us are not getting married to our high school sweetheart or counting on a wedding savings account to cover the costs. The world is full of couples meeting as working professionals and sharing the responsibilities, and costs, of the wedding celebration.
Traditionally, the responsibility of paying for the wedding was divided between the family of the bride and groom. For decades the groom was what I call a “silent partner”. He showed up and smiled at all the bride’s decisions. His major task, other than the ring purchase and rehearsal dinner, was arriving on the wedding day and paying for the honeymoon. An experience I am sure he looked forward to with glee.
In year’s past, the groom also paid for the marriage license, bride’s bouquet, wedding officiant fee, and the outfits for the groomsmen.
The most personalized event that the groom and family get to contribute to is the rehearsal dinner. This can be as informal as the family chooses and generally the meal is quite different than the wedding reception meal…and not intended to overshadow the reception dinner. This has always been a great time to introduce the groom’s culinary favorites and think out of the box. I have planned some amazing and fun rehearsal dinners that can work with any budget. And it is the ideal moment for those awkward toasts and speeches that bring up the experiences one tries to forget…such as pimples, pints and perms. All I can say is that it was the 80′s and everyone was doing it.
The modern couple share the decision making if they are the ones paying for the celebration. And if you are fortunate enough to have the traditional wedding responsibilities and all the trimmings, it is a beautiful thing to include the groom in many of the decisions such as the wedding tasting selection, décor and even the entertainment. Making him feel included, and his opinion valid, is just as important as being a well groomed gentleman. Although he may be a man of few words, he will know in his heart if he is included.

Rob Schaefer
Engaged, Well Groomed, and St. Louis Wedding Professional Hall of Fame Inaugural Inductee

Over the past 5 years I have seen a dramatic shift in the dress code standards for vendors in the wedding industry. What is unacceptable for a guest to wear should also be unacceptable for your wedding professionals (who are front and center on the day of your wedding). Millions of people work every day in professional clothing and shoes. It is not unheard of! Some people collect old clocks, antique stuffed toys, rare baseball cards, expensive wine…I like to dress well…and I do it for me, my staff and my clients. Basically, when I clean out my closet I end up in Narnia.
…And it isn’t just a matter of wedding day vendors only. It is all vendors you hire and their appearance in meetings and site visits. It is a sign of respect and appreciation for the people you hire to dress professionally. It says, “I value your business.” Even the chef or baker can put on a clean jacket or apron for your meeting.
Adapting to the nature of the event and the event setting is part of our job as vendors. I am not saying that vendors should be in a tie and jacket at a casual BBQ reception outside. My point to wedding vendors is that when going to a high end ballroom, hotel or country club, think about what the guests will be wearing and dress accordingly.
For example, I have seen quite a few formal weddings that have hired photographers who come in jeans or cargo pants with wrinkled shirts and loafers and parade through a room of suits and tuxedos. And basically nothing can be done to rectify this situation day of. Your vendor standing in the middle of the aisle with tight, high water polyester pants, basic black t-shirt and sockless black ballerina flats has all eyes on her when all eyes should be on the bride and beautifully dressed bridal party. Add to it the sweaty hair in the face and lack of makeup and you have a real vision. Men in tie-less dress shirts with baggy pants and tennis shoes also cheapen your event. Coming to me or the wedding planner and complaining about it in the moment serves no purpose as we can’t send that person home due to the time factor. I have had to insist that one male vendor put on a belt – who told me he lost it – and then had someone bring him one. I have had to intervene when a photographer wore flip flops to the wedding and removed them to stand barefoot during the ceremony. And I have had to ask, at the bride’s request, that a female vendor pull her hair back into a pony tail as it looked like she had been in a tornado or an old episode of Miami Vice.
There is no excuse for sloppy clothes and grooming. Vendors, gel your hair back and secure it, iron some proper fitting clothing, find a dress shirt that does not strangle you and wear a tie, buy some comfortable dress shoes that are designed for standing. Wear all black or gray and have a jacket for the moments you are front and center. If you think you are going to “sweat” though your clothes, then simply bring a fresh shirt or top with you and change.
When selecting wedding vendors, know that certain vendors will be in their work uniforms such as culinary, pastry, florists, linen vendors, etc. These individuals are often behind the scenes and work with products that make a mess or leave product or lint all over them…this is just the nature of their field. As long as these individuals have made the effort to be presentable, it is understood they are adapting to what they do.
It is not acceptable for catering staff, venue staff, wedding planners, band, DJ Professionals, photographers, videographers, photo booth staff or anyone directly in front of your guests to not blend in with the attire of the guests. As a client, you can insist on a dress standard for your vendors when you are getting married, or better still, allow your wedding planner to do it for you. My rule is that unless I see the vendor carrying some equipment, I should assume they are a low key guest…and so should you.
We are so fortunate in St. Louis to have St. Louis Wedding Vendors who are at the top of their game and look the part as industry leaders and professionals. Most of these individuals reflect taste and style and are a proud addition to any event. If you feel you have encountered someone “creative” who feels wardrobe and grooming suppresses their talent and they need to be “free and unrestrained”, perhaps you may want to rethink hiring them. It all comes down to price versus professional.

Rob Schaefer
Narnian and St. Louis Wedding Professional Hall of Fame Inaugural Inductee

It was my recent pleasure to host a Pakistani Wedding Reception here at the Coronado Ballroom. Our bride Rabia was stunning in a rich garnet red beaded sari which complimented the red, gold and ivory decor of the room. My friend Fatima from Weddings by Fatima was the planner and handled the decor. Dazzling is the only word which can be used to describe the finished look and I appreciate all that I learned from Fatima that evening.
There are many things I love about a Pakistan wedding…my favorite being it is a four day process. The Mendi celebration ranks among my favorites and is a celebration held on the second day. This is when the bride has her hands and feet stained with henna…in lovely, ornate patterns. I love the henna effect and often incorporate similar design on the wedding cake. You can see how beautiful this looks on our facebook page!
Rabia had several receptions to celebrate her marriage and mine was the more “Americanized” version of the group. However, traditional “Halal” meat was served duing the event. Halal meat has specifics of how the animal was raised, what the animal ate and how the animal was slaughtered. Islamic law forbids the consumption of any animal not slaughtered in the name of Allah, carnivorous animals or birds, pork products, alcohol and any thing from the water without scales. An experienced caterer can order Halal meat and prepare it under the neccessary guidelines. Although it does cost more, it is well worth the investment.
The “mandap” is the ceremonial structure which has special chairs and furniture underneath for the bride, groom and family. This is often the focus of the design concept and can be quite elaborate. Floral, garlands, bells and crystals are used to enhance the mandap. One very lovely part of the evening was when Rabia and Ali left the mandap, walked slowly through the room, shed a few tears with family, said goodbye and then left on a beautiful, high note. This very reserved and elegant touch to the night gave it a very special ending. I will remember their wedding reception always.
I welcome our St. Louis Hindu Wedding Community and look forward to the the beauty and diversity of your events.

Rob Schaefer
Lover of Paisley and St. Louis Wedding Professional Hall of Fame Inaugural Inductee

I am often amazed by wedding cake selections. Either the couple doesn’t seem very concerned with it or they are obsessed by it. For me, the wedding cake is such a beautiful tradition and one of the oldest wedding customs on earth. It dates back to pre-Roman times and was originally broken above the bride’s head! You have a lifetime of desserts and one day for your wedding cake…so make it special. And more importantly, make it relate to your event!
When you meet with the facility or bakery who is producing your wedding cake, you need to go prepared. Photos of cake styles you like should be brought to the consultation and well as a rough idea of how you want it to look. But be receptive to ideas the cake designer may have. He or she may be able to compliment your theme with new and innovative ideas or techniques. Sticker shock is another result I see when couples become seduced by design in Martha Stewart and Sylvia Weinstock. Fondant, gum paste and spun sugar detail work are very labor intensive and can easily run into a week of labor. If you notice the cakes in the designer books, they are very small and often sit on a small cake stand. If this is your vision and fondant work is something you want, just make sure you are prepared for the cost of such an endeavor.
I believe that the cake should relate to the culinary and decor theme that you are having. Many of our Coronado brides select the Pumpkin Spice wedding cake in the fall or the Gingerbread wedding cake at holiday time. Both are unexpected, unique to the season, and delicious. And the guests love it! Even for our St. Louis brides who can’t stray away from vanilla, there are ways to make it more seasonal such as a hazelnut filling or pairing a caramel sauce with it. BE BOLD not BORING!
When I look at wedding photos in magazines, I often see that no thought went into the linen or decor. The cake sits on a standard white stock linen with the foil covered board showing. GROSS! Cake plateaus, stands and mirrors are readily available and can be rented! It really adds so much to the look. Even if you are using in-house linens for your event, the cake table is one area that you need a specialty linen! Remember that a white or off white cake looks stunning against a darker table linen and even a simple design can become jaw dropping with high end floral enhancements. Jeweled monogram cake toppers are very popular with the Coronado Bride and then can be used as a Christmas tree topper or accent a wreath for their front door or home. These are easy to order online. The key is to make the cake a stellar accent to the event and not an after thought. We have all seen cake designs that we like but ask yourself if it relates to the event in any way. One of the worst weddings I ever witnessed featured men in kilts (Scottish groom), bridesmaids in black satin (day wedding), Asian style floral and a wedding cake with fondant butterflies going down the sides. If this wasn’t bad enough, the cake was siiting on a white stock table linen with the washing instruction tag showing. YEEK! All I can say is that I am glad I was a guest only.

If you know me, you know that I am facinated by Marie Antoinette. However if the roles were reversed and I had lived in Marie Antoinette’s time, I would have said, “Let them eat FABULOUS cake!”

Rob Schaefer
Wedding Cake Snob, former french royalty in a past life, and St. Louis Wedding Professional Hall of Fame Inaugural Inductee

As an Event Designer and Caterer, I have seen countless vow exchanges over the past 27 years. And as a single man seeking my Prince Charming, I often think about my own wedding day celebration. The tradition of exchanging vows during a ceremony is an old and honored custom. A commitment ceremony with reception is becoming an increasingly popular choice among the LGBT community. It is our right to commit our lives to each other and allow those we love to witness and rejoice in that moment.

Planning an event can be overwhelming. The first step in the planning process is to determine the date, the budget and what type of celebration you want to host. As I always tell my clients, have the very best of whatever you can afford, work with the season and work within reason. If your budget only allows for a small ceremony followed by cake and lemonade, set an amazing table with the best cake and lemonade possible and be proud of it. If a fantastic buffet luncheon with centerpieces and a quartet fits the budget, go for it. Or if a glamorous evening function is the direction you are going in, provide an amazing sit-down meal and premium bar. Again, avoid debt and disappointment by having the best of what you can do comfortably. You have the rest of your life to throw other parties!

I think the biggest mistakes gay couples make when planning a reception is adopting heterosexual roles, cliche wedding stereotypes or trying to create a bar or club-like atmosphere. As a planner, I treat the event as two unique individuals uniting in faith and love yet try to retain some wedding traditions and etiquette. I find that alternating the bridesmaids/groomsmen during the wedding processional makes a beautiful statement and represents the couple equally. Partners can walk down the aisle together or one at a time with their parents. I like to create a double aisle for dramatic ceremonies and choreograph the wedding party members walking in union. A “Y” shaped aisle is also very effective and attractive. I avoid the cliche wedding songs but also find that many classic and modern music translate well for the ceremony. Whatever the level of celebration, keep in mind that this is a special and very sacred day! Have fun but show good taste.

When discussing the ceremony with your officiant, explain the points that matter most to you both and go over the verbage thoroughly. I have found that the most memorable and touching ceremonies are those with very personal messages and vows created by the couple. Traditional acts such as exchanging rings and the first kiss as partners continue to be important elements of the ceremony.

Working with an Event Planner and Facility Coordinator can help eliminate stress and expose you to a wealth of information and choices. Work with someone you trust and who shares your vision. Review their planning experience, photos of their work and check references. Be open to someone’s non-emotional point of view.

Finding a location for both the ceremony and reception and a caterer should be your first priority. Many reception sites and vendors book over a year in advance. Ask questions, review packages and menu options and make sure that their staff is both willing and comfortable hosting a same-sex celebration. Bands and entertainment also book quickly so determine the route you want to go (live music or disc jockey) and attend either public events they are playing at or listen to their compact discs.

The right photographer is critical in capturing the special day. Trust me…the day is over in the blink of an eye! Your photos and video will allow you to look back on the day accordingly and witness many of the special details that one can over look on their wedding day. Be clear about the type of photographic style you are looking for and have a list of photos you want taken. Just remember that a limited number of outstanding photos are better than several hundred mediocre ones. Invest wisely in your photographer and videographer.

Although we see many types of centerpieces, I believe there is no substitute for flowers. Male couples often question me about floral options and do not want to appear too feminine. My advice is to keep it simple, understated and elegant. Orchids, compact roses, calla lilies and long grasses all look masculine and appropriate. Clusters of potted flowers always look beautiful and make a great favor for guests to take home. Color choices can certainly go in any direction but all white flowers remain a tried and true classic. When it comes to apparel, avoid matching outfits but certainly wear complimentary colors and styles. An important rule to follow is to wear day and time appropriate outfits…such as a morning coat or suit for a day wedding and tuxedo for an after 5:00PM event. However, do not be seduced by the standard tuxedo rentals. Seersucker or linen suits in the summer, wools suits in the fall and winter, cottons and linens for a beach or grill party. Avoid fashion extremes on this important day. Whatever the theme…beach, backyard or ballroom, think timeless and tasteful.

As we redefine our role in society and continue to fight for equal rights and legal unions, the LGBT professionals of today want it all…commitment, marriage and family. The Coronado Ballroom is here for our LGBT community and we welcome celebrations of all kinds. I want to work with you and your partner to create the day of you have dreamed of and deserve. With proper planning, organization and vendor support, you can go from “I do” to “We did”.

Rob Schaefer
Single, Hopeful and Available…and St. Louis Wedding Professional Hall of Fame Inaugural Inductee